So I'm in La paz, Bolivia.
I arrived on Feb 7th, and now it's Feb 26th.
It's been almost 3 weeks since I've left America and I'm already ready to go back.
So much time here....I'm not leaving till April 16th...
I don't know what I was thinking booking this much time here.
I mean really...why am i here? Other than to see my grandma who is going to leave her body soon and family.
There are some beautiful things to see here...but it's like....why? I mean at the most I can take some pictures of some nice places/experiences and than what....
I really don't have the taste for these things like I used to have anymore.
It's like all I want to do is do things that are productive, that are A.) helping me advance spiritually and/or B.) Helping others/nature
Pretty much Krishna Consciousness has given me this taste I was looking for. This relief...
And now everything else I put in my mouth (excuse my french) tastes like crap. lol...
THe first day I came here I was offered/pressured to eat meat, smoke, drink. Everything but have sex and gamble lol. It was interesting, but my family is finally starting to understand that I wont eat meat, wont be lenient on that or drugs/alcohol etc.
Honestly I'm kind of depressed here. I feel lonely and uninspired even morose than any time I was at home. My family is busy working during the week, and weekdays I am pretty much alone.
"Well why don't you use that time too chant, read, practice your music?"
That is something I have been asking myself. This would be a perfect time to utilize and practice these things. But the truth is I just feel so uninspired and down I don't even feel inclination to do these things.
I want to do these things but I just feel so much blockage.
My chanting got really bad here. I literally have to force myself, now that I have my own room to stay in I am going to set an alarm and do it early. It's very difficult during the day.
The truth is you are who you hang out with. One family member I hang out with here Is well, very opposite of me in certain ways. And coming here and being around , and only around people who are not Kc really helps me see the complete and utter difference. I went from being completely surrounded by devotee's, people who are Kc to months later (now) being surrounded by people who are pretty much completely not Kc. And it's amazing seeing , hearing where peoples consciousness is at.
One family member (for privacy reasons not going to name names) was talking about their boyfriend constantly, who is actually a good person which is great. But that was mostly what they kept bringing up and talking about. Boyfriend, beer, ciggerettes, ex's, and some other things. But those were some of the main things. If their not Kc than their consciousness is somewhere else.
Our minds /hearts have to focus on something. That's the way we are.
If it's not in love than it's on drugs, if it's not on drugs than it's movies if not that than partying or on their job , whatever! Or all of those!
Everyone's consciousness is focused on something. If I have to have it focused on something I rather it be something that actually matters and can help me advance spiritually.
Something that actually is permanent, eternal rather than temporary and subject to change.
I feel crazy sometimes. I am going to Govindas to find some devotee's now that I know where it's at.
I just feel like a part of me is sufocating, I need devotee association.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sometimes
Sometimes I feel like running away from it all.
But when I really think about it, where can we really run too?
We are in a prison wherever we go, in whichever direction we turn to.
Eventually we will hit the prison walls.
But when I really think about it, where can we really run too?
We are in a prison wherever we go, in whichever direction we turn to.
Eventually we will hit the prison walls.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Lost in an Ocean of Maya
I know either no one reads these blogs or one at the most two people do but honestly that's fine.
This is just something I have to do for my own sanity as well as I just like sharing, even if it's to the wall.
So... I'm here in San Antonio. And I can't help feel I'm drowning in this ocean of Maya or illusion.
So many material things I want, that I crave, some obvious, some not.
And it's harder than ever to keep my Sadhana (spiritual practice) up, even though I have been so blessed to be able to have this much time (and even though I have not completely wasted it) I have not used it to the best I could have or have been.
I feel longing, I feel longing.
For Krishna, for that wonderful feeling off connection with him.
I can't help but remember when we were all painting as a group this past thursday and some people asked Advaita what he interpreted from their paintings, or what feeling they gave.
I asked him as well, he looked observing my painting, which is a night scene with a transcendental fish looking up at the sky. After a few minutes he said, "Lonely", I was a bit surprised.
"You're painting has a lonely feel"
I really looked at it again and it's true, it does have a lonely feel. In fact a lot of my art has a lonely streak running through most of it as in the past others have commented on it as well, though not as much now.
Lonely.
Ever since I've been gone the past six months (actually even before when I first came to the temple), a lot of that loneliness has been filled by Krishna.
Though it creeps, and comes back again sometimes.
Despite this...there is nothing that pleases me more than Krishna consciousness.
There is nothing I've found that makes me smile, laugh and bring me as much joy as Krishna has.
There is nothing I have found that fills every nook and crack of emptiness and voidness in my heart.
It almost feels like I didn't even choose this path sometimes, more like It chose me.
Like Krishna pulled me in, and now I can never go back.
I saw that beautiful blue boy by the Yamuna river, and my heart was stolen.
Now nothing has taste like it used too.
And for that I am GLAD.
Despite all these wonderful experiences I have had, despite Jagannatha ANSWERING my sincere prayer to give me a safe space to come back too, I am still falling back to old habits.
Sleeping late, barely chanting, wasting time on mundane things, being attached to my material objects Extremely so.
Though I am still in this same house, Jagannatha came back here with me, he came to me in the form of my own deities to take care of. Which I have been wanting to have for so long.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer too Jagannatha I don't know what is.
And their beautiful, their so beautiful and I love them so much.
Jagannatha came to me to help save me from this material pool of suffering, I feel fortunate.
I just wish I was more regulated too take care of them properly.
I am going to try my best to become moreso, so that they stay with me.
My mother is even favorable to KC, she even told me she wanted to learn more haha, I don't like to pressure anyone about KC. If their looking for something more in life, wanting more, or questioning than if they ask I will present. If not than I will just leave it be.
But my mother did the questioning so than I and others present, she even stopped eating beef and other meats. Which is quite amazing, for someone at my mothers age to make that change.
Lonely though, there's still a loneliness.
The more I speak off Krishna, the more I write about him the more filled I become and satisfied.
Though sometimes I still find myself wishing I had a significant other.
Listen, the truth is if Krishna appeared to me in some form or another and said, "Kimberly I want you to be single. I think if you are single you can better help the world and others around you"
Or my spiritual master told me that than honestly I feel I would do it.
I am that attached to Krishna. I can say I am at least that attached to Krishna.
IF that were so though I would completely just join a temple and live as a monk completely haha
Because there's no way I'd remain that way living on my own on the side etc.....
But the truth is I don't feel that I will be single the rest of my life, but If I never meet the right person for me than I WILL.
That I am determined in, I refuse to lower my standards just because I feel "lonely" sometimes or see others with partners etc.
That's why I haven't had an official boyfriend in....over 6 years! haha
Though I was stupid and dated a bunch of weirdos during some of that time.
That's where I learned that most (not all of course) guys are dogs who are a slave to their senses (though we all are in some form). And most are just looking for a "good time".
I mean what's the point in having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" if you can't ever see yourself marrying them or if you are not sure?? Even before I was KC I never understood that or saw the point really.
If you're not sure at the LEASt if there isn't a really good chance then your just wasting each other's time and enjoying each other for the time being. Which in the end, when it doesn't work out (which is most times I've seen) than you both just end up hurting each other and being depressed about if for however many months etc.
So I just have decided to spare myself all the b.c that I already know too well about, having experienced enough of it in this life and lives before.
If your significant other doesn't help you spiritually, if you both don't help each other progress spiritually in each others lives , centered around the most important thing God, a,k.a Krishna, than it's just complete sense enjoyment. Completely material , you please her, she pleases you.
And that's why there are so many divorces because so much of the time their union is based on and around material factors. She's "pretty", he's "cute", she makes me feel good, he makes me feel good.
How long can that really least, I mean really???
The passion get's old real quick.
So until Krishna presents (if he does) the right person to me, someone who loves Krishna as much as I do and has as much passion if not more (more would be great because I'm so conditioned) to serve Krishna than I will be single and damn happy to not be entangled in some meaningless relationship.
So in the deeper sense reaching Krishna prema while in a relationship is extremely hard and what "some people" would consider near impossible.
I know this, but unfortunately I am in this female body so it is even more difficult to be single female by herself in this material world. Prabhupada even encouraged women to get married.
While he also encouraged men to be bramachari's which I always found quite quirky but whatever lol.
A quote from the SB that a devotee miraculously posted the same day I wrote this...
"The material bodily conception is so polluted that even upon slight provocation all our relationships of love and affection are nullified. Bodily relationships are so transient that even though one is affectionate towards someone in a bodily relationship, a slight provocation terminates this intimacy."
(SB 4.4.8)"
UGH get me out of here!!!
This place sucks and my body is sick.
Anyways, that is all I have to say. I think I'm going to have a separate devotee page for my devotee friends. I hate to separate like that but I just feel like I may be alienating others by posting so much devotional things and posts and want to be able to express myself fully w/o feeling like I have to hold back.
Below is a beautiful quote from Sachinandana Swami's cd, Sacred Longing live.
This is definitely one of my favorite cd's right now and a quote from Radhanattha Swami who always inspires me.
Good will to men, God bless, Shalom,
Hare Krishna!
"My heart constantly burns in the fire of worldly desires, just like a desert scorched by the rays of the sun. The holy name entering the corners of my heart, the holes of my ears, showers an unparalleled nectar upon my soul. The holy name speaks from within my heart, moves unto the tip of my tongue and constantly dances on it in the form of transcendental sound. My throat is choked up , my body shivers again and again, and my feet cannot stay still."
-Sachinandana Swami on Sacred Longing
This is just something I have to do for my own sanity as well as I just like sharing, even if it's to the wall.
So... I'm here in San Antonio. And I can't help feel I'm drowning in this ocean of Maya or illusion.
So many material things I want, that I crave, some obvious, some not.
And it's harder than ever to keep my Sadhana (spiritual practice) up, even though I have been so blessed to be able to have this much time (and even though I have not completely wasted it) I have not used it to the best I could have or have been.
I feel longing, I feel longing.
For Krishna, for that wonderful feeling off connection with him.
I can't help but remember when we were all painting as a group this past thursday and some people asked Advaita what he interpreted from their paintings, or what feeling they gave.
I asked him as well, he looked observing my painting, which is a night scene with a transcendental fish looking up at the sky. After a few minutes he said, "Lonely", I was a bit surprised.
"You're painting has a lonely feel"
I really looked at it again and it's true, it does have a lonely feel. In fact a lot of my art has a lonely streak running through most of it as in the past others have commented on it as well, though not as much now.
Lonely.
Ever since I've been gone the past six months (actually even before when I first came to the temple), a lot of that loneliness has been filled by Krishna.
Though it creeps, and comes back again sometimes.
Despite this...there is nothing that pleases me more than Krishna consciousness.
There is nothing I've found that makes me smile, laugh and bring me as much joy as Krishna has.
There is nothing I have found that fills every nook and crack of emptiness and voidness in my heart.
It almost feels like I didn't even choose this path sometimes, more like It chose me.
Like Krishna pulled me in, and now I can never go back.
I saw that beautiful blue boy by the Yamuna river, and my heart was stolen.
Now nothing has taste like it used too.
And for that I am GLAD.
Despite all these wonderful experiences I have had, despite Jagannatha ANSWERING my sincere prayer to give me a safe space to come back too, I am still falling back to old habits.
Sleeping late, barely chanting, wasting time on mundane things, being attached to my material objects Extremely so.
Though I am still in this same house, Jagannatha came back here with me, he came to me in the form of my own deities to take care of. Which I have been wanting to have for so long.
If that isn't an answer to my prayer too Jagannatha I don't know what is.
And their beautiful, their so beautiful and I love them so much.
Jagannatha came to me to help save me from this material pool of suffering, I feel fortunate.
I just wish I was more regulated too take care of them properly.
I am going to try my best to become moreso, so that they stay with me.
My mother is even favorable to KC, she even told me she wanted to learn more haha, I don't like to pressure anyone about KC. If their looking for something more in life, wanting more, or questioning than if they ask I will present. If not than I will just leave it be.
But my mother did the questioning so than I and others present, she even stopped eating beef and other meats. Which is quite amazing, for someone at my mothers age to make that change.
Lonely though, there's still a loneliness.
The more I speak off Krishna, the more I write about him the more filled I become and satisfied.
Though sometimes I still find myself wishing I had a significant other.
Listen, the truth is if Krishna appeared to me in some form or another and said, "Kimberly I want you to be single. I think if you are single you can better help the world and others around you"
Or my spiritual master told me that than honestly I feel I would do it.
I am that attached to Krishna. I can say I am at least that attached to Krishna.
IF that were so though I would completely just join a temple and live as a monk completely haha
Because there's no way I'd remain that way living on my own on the side etc.....
But the truth is I don't feel that I will be single the rest of my life, but If I never meet the right person for me than I WILL.
That I am determined in, I refuse to lower my standards just because I feel "lonely" sometimes or see others with partners etc.
That's why I haven't had an official boyfriend in....over 6 years! haha
Though I was stupid and dated a bunch of weirdos during some of that time.
That's where I learned that most (not all of course) guys are dogs who are a slave to their senses (though we all are in some form). And most are just looking for a "good time".
I mean what's the point in having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" if you can't ever see yourself marrying them or if you are not sure?? Even before I was KC I never understood that or saw the point really.
If you're not sure at the LEASt if there isn't a really good chance then your just wasting each other's time and enjoying each other for the time being. Which in the end, when it doesn't work out (which is most times I've seen) than you both just end up hurting each other and being depressed about if for however many months etc.
So I just have decided to spare myself all the b.c that I already know too well about, having experienced enough of it in this life and lives before.
If your significant other doesn't help you spiritually, if you both don't help each other progress spiritually in each others lives , centered around the most important thing God, a,k.a Krishna, than it's just complete sense enjoyment. Completely material , you please her, she pleases you.
And that's why there are so many divorces because so much of the time their union is based on and around material factors. She's "pretty", he's "cute", she makes me feel good, he makes me feel good.
How long can that really least, I mean really???
The passion get's old real quick.
So until Krishna presents (if he does) the right person to me, someone who loves Krishna as much as I do and has as much passion if not more (more would be great because I'm so conditioned) to serve Krishna than I will be single and damn happy to not be entangled in some meaningless relationship.
So in the deeper sense reaching Krishna prema while in a relationship is extremely hard and what "some people" would consider near impossible.
I know this, but unfortunately I am in this female body so it is even more difficult to be single female by herself in this material world. Prabhupada even encouraged women to get married.
While he also encouraged men to be bramachari's which I always found quite quirky but whatever lol.
A quote from the SB that a devotee miraculously posted the same day I wrote this...
"The material bodily conception is so polluted that even upon slight provocation all our relationships of love and affection are nullified. Bodily relationships are so transient that even though one is affectionate towards someone in a bodily relationship, a slight provocation terminates this intimacy."
(SB 4.4.8)"
UGH get me out of here!!!
This place sucks and my body is sick.
Anyways, that is all I have to say. I think I'm going to have a separate devotee page for my devotee friends. I hate to separate like that but I just feel like I may be alienating others by posting so much devotional things and posts and want to be able to express myself fully w/o feeling like I have to hold back.
Below is a beautiful quote from Sachinandana Swami's cd, Sacred Longing live.
This is definitely one of my favorite cd's right now and a quote from Radhanattha Swami who always inspires me.
Good will to men, God bless, Shalom,
Hare Krishna!
"When a man comes home, sometimes he is dressed in a three piece suit; sometimes he comes in a swimming suit; sometimes he comes in his pajamas. Now, his dog will recognize his master in whatever dress he wears. Isn’t that true?
So if our master is God, whether He appears as Krishna, Allah, Rama, or Christ, we will recognize Him in all these different appearances."
-Radhanattha Swami (reference from one of Prabhupada's lectures)
"My heart constantly burns in the fire of worldly desires, just like a desert scorched by the rays of the sun. The holy name entering the corners of my heart, the holes of my ears, showers an unparalleled nectar upon my soul. The holy name speaks from within my heart, moves unto the tip of my tongue and constantly dances on it in the form of transcendental sound. My throat is choked up , my body shivers again and again, and my feet cannot stay still."
-Sachinandana Swami on Sacred Longing
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Simple desire
Coming back to San Antonio was stressful at first. But that show that we did last night was just amazing.
It was so wonderful to once again see some old friends and the San Antonio devotee's (who I also consider friends), Advaita and mike (now living in the ashram) did such a wonderful Kirtan. A lot off people came up and even started dancing. The rest of the music and participation of the audience was wonderful as well. The people In San Antonio are very unique, heck Texas even. So warm and kind, all the other places I've visited I haven't met souls who are as warm as the ones here, In San Antonio, In Texas in general. I am greatly appreciative of the people here.
It surprises me that so many people care about me here as well.
I appreciate it.
I'm sitting on my bed right now listening to a Kirtan from 24 hr Kirtan in New Vrindaban.
When talking on the phone today with my mom, than later on another devotee I realized how fortunate I was ( even moreso ) to have an opportunity to focus on my spiritual life for such a long amount of time without worrying about money, my future (materially speaking), whatever crap maya that gets in our way and distracts us.
Full on focus on Krishna (God) , his devotee's, and his service.
Though it was challenging at some points the value of the experience of what I learned far outweighed any negative.
Spirituality,God has always been given me a calling in the back of my mind, it's the only area in life where i found any hope in anything. Than coming to the temple here, changed my life.
And gave me knowledge, hope that there is more to this life than birth, old age , and death.
That life isn't about getting a job, making money and having babies.
There's so much more to life than these material things, life is more meaningful than that, there's a point.
I'm so content just doing Krishna's service.
I just want to serve Krishna, his devotee's.
I just want Krishna (God) too send me wherever he wants me to go.
I'm see the good in many places, and wherever Krishna's devotee's are , centers, temples is Vikuntha to me
I'm tired of floating around.
When will Krishna reveal to me where I'm supposed to go. Which service does he want me to do.
I guess we'll just have to see. Money, money I hate the way this system is set up.
My simple desire,
still praying to Jagannatha too give me a safe place to come home too.
And it is much better than when I left I feel...ugh!
My mind feels like it's going to explode.
Chant Chant chant....
It was so wonderful to once again see some old friends and the San Antonio devotee's (who I also consider friends), Advaita and mike (now living in the ashram) did such a wonderful Kirtan. A lot off people came up and even started dancing. The rest of the music and participation of the audience was wonderful as well. The people In San Antonio are very unique, heck Texas even. So warm and kind, all the other places I've visited I haven't met souls who are as warm as the ones here, In San Antonio, In Texas in general. I am greatly appreciative of the people here.
It surprises me that so many people care about me here as well.
I appreciate it.
I'm sitting on my bed right now listening to a Kirtan from 24 hr Kirtan in New Vrindaban.
When talking on the phone today with my mom, than later on another devotee I realized how fortunate I was ( even moreso ) to have an opportunity to focus on my spiritual life for such a long amount of time without worrying about money, my future (materially speaking), whatever crap maya that gets in our way and distracts us.
Full on focus on Krishna (God) , his devotee's, and his service.
Though it was challenging at some points the value of the experience of what I learned far outweighed any negative.
Spirituality,God has always been given me a calling in the back of my mind, it's the only area in life where i found any hope in anything. Than coming to the temple here, changed my life.
And gave me knowledge, hope that there is more to this life than birth, old age , and death.
That life isn't about getting a job, making money and having babies.
There's so much more to life than these material things, life is more meaningful than that, there's a point.
I'm so content just doing Krishna's service.
I just want to serve Krishna, his devotee's.
I just want Krishna (God) too send me wherever he wants me to go.
I'm see the good in many places, and wherever Krishna's devotee's are , centers, temples is Vikuntha to me
I'm tired of floating around.
When will Krishna reveal to me where I'm supposed to go. Which service does he want me to do.
I guess we'll just have to see. Money, money I hate the way this system is set up.
My simple desire,
still praying to Jagannatha too give me a safe place to come home too.
And it is much better than when I left I feel...ugh!
My mind feels like it's going to explode.
Chant Chant chant....
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Inspired by,"A Legacy of Love"
Just finished reading,"A Legacy of love"a biography about a truly beautiful person in every sense of the word. I was so moved. What is the point of this life if we just live selfishly worrying and carrying only about our own wellbeing? We already have enough of that in the world. What we need are people who care, people who see everyone as part n parcels of the whole and who want to help others with that knowledge. The effect we can have on others is like throwing a stone in water. And just like the ripples that come from the stone you can affect so many.
Hladini Devi Dasi, she was (still is) a devotee who joined the movement during Prabhupada's time (1969) and throughout the book talks about her development spiritually from the person she was in the beginning, when she first joined up, too how her life ended.
I was crying by the end of it, so moved.
It takes a lot to touch me deeply, sometimes I feel so covered over by this material world that I feel my mind grow dull and heart turn cold like stone.
But when I read about people like this, who lived their life for others, for God and served with so much devotion and love. My heart of stone becomes chipped away and some feeling comes once again.
And by some grace I am able to express some part of it.
She was truly used by God, by Krishna as a vessel of love to share with the world, with others.
And the way she left her body was defending the devotee's, by trying to protect them from being killed when she was helping the people suffering in Africa during the Liberian war.
If you put me in a situation like that where armed soldiers were screaming at a group of us to leave the temple and get ready to shoot us like dogs, I would have run like a bloody coward.
But Hladini went out with the other devotee's and till the end defended them and tried to help them, and sacrificed her life. Giving, selfless till the very end. And the thing is there were so many churches, other spiritualists who were (still are) attacked and brutally murdered as well.
Prabhupada is right, whoever thinks this place is a wonderful place is either ignorant or a madman.
It's easy to think this is a wonderful place too stay in. Especially when we are here in America with our cozy comforts and dome like protection media wise which keeps us stupid and ignorant of everything else going on in the world.
This is a horrible place and the more we realize this the more we can see how we need to be that change we want to see in the world.
How much purity, goodness is needed in this world and how many people are suffering, not only materially but most importantly spiritually, as we are not these bodies after all.
You can help feed the poor and help them medically in Africa and around the world but that only helps them on one level. These people are still left starving, starving for love.
There is a famous quote (one of the many) by Mother Teresa,
"We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."
Some people hate to hear it but that's why believing, loving God is so amazing and helpful too people.
Even if you don't believe in God you can't help but see how it helps people, the people who don't abuse it and become judging with it of course.
Whenever you do that, become judgmental and condemning that just destroys spiritual life to the core. Despite that nothing is more deeper and more impactful than a relationship with God, Krishna (another name for God).
Our relationships with others is a reflection of that to a lesser degree but can sometimes be so powerful to bring us out of this illusion.
Sometimes we need to be shaken up, to wake up from this humdrum life many times we all fall into.
We're all going to die, these bodies at least.
And part of the illusion of this world (maya) is that we think we have all the time in the world to change, to become better people and too help others.
But the truth is we don't.
We don't have all the time in the world, we don't know when we're going to die/leave our bodies.
As we grow older, time goes by quicker and disappears like sand in our fingers.
You can ask anyone over 25 and hear similar experiences.
Now is the time to change, NOW is the time to help others and connect if that is our desire.
And if that is not our desire than we should help ourselves so we can than help others.
What else than is the point of this life?
If not to connect with God so you can spread that love and mercy to others than at least on a more disjointed level help other based on some morale base.
If we just live to help ourselves in this life, work at our job, make our money to get us our nice Material pleasures (for us and our family) how is that helpful really?
I've always had this feeling like this, that's why I am so thankful for KC.
Still in Maya (illusion) but at least understanding to some extent how temporary this life is and what is really important in this world.
I hope to someday be an inspiration in some way in this world.
To be used as a vessel to spread this love, this mercy too, though I feel very unqualified to do so.
I hope someday I can be used to help others in this way as living just for myself is empty and meaningless to me. I'm by no means any saint and am as selfish as anyone else in so many ways.
I can only change myself and make myself a more selfless better person and than someday, maybe someday I'll be able to more selflessly serve and love others unconditionally.
I can only pray and hope for that someday.
Anyways, If this was inspiring to someone in some small way than I will be very glad.
Either way I just had to share this in someway. I am bad at keeping up with anything (haha) but this was just to inspiring to me to just ignore or save for later.
When your moved, your moved and best to record or share it before you just fall back into illusion again.
To our old ways of thinking, and being.
So thankful to be in Krishna consciousness, I hope everyone to find their joy in someway like I have in this life. Nothing satisfies me , sedates my hungering, my longing like Kc. Time and time again.
I saw the blue boy by the river Yamuna, and life has never been the same.
My material life is ruined, and for that I'm glad. Just enjoying for myself is so much more tasteless than before. Can never thank Prabhupada enough for bringing to us this gift of love and knowledge.
I only hope I can utilize it properly and distribute this gift in some way possible that will help people , at the least inspire them in some way.
We'll see what plans Krishna has for me.
Or what is more familiar to others , "what life brings me".
Hladini Devi Dasi, she was (still is) a devotee who joined the movement during Prabhupada's time (1969) and throughout the book talks about her development spiritually from the person she was in the beginning, when she first joined up, too how her life ended.
I was crying by the end of it, so moved.
It takes a lot to touch me deeply, sometimes I feel so covered over by this material world that I feel my mind grow dull and heart turn cold like stone.
But when I read about people like this, who lived their life for others, for God and served with so much devotion and love. My heart of stone becomes chipped away and some feeling comes once again.
And by some grace I am able to express some part of it.
She was truly used by God, by Krishna as a vessel of love to share with the world, with others.
And the way she left her body was defending the devotee's, by trying to protect them from being killed when she was helping the people suffering in Africa during the Liberian war.
If you put me in a situation like that where armed soldiers were screaming at a group of us to leave the temple and get ready to shoot us like dogs, I would have run like a bloody coward.
But Hladini went out with the other devotee's and till the end defended them and tried to help them, and sacrificed her life. Giving, selfless till the very end. And the thing is there were so many churches, other spiritualists who were (still are) attacked and brutally murdered as well.
Prabhupada is right, whoever thinks this place is a wonderful place is either ignorant or a madman.
It's easy to think this is a wonderful place too stay in. Especially when we are here in America with our cozy comforts and dome like protection media wise which keeps us stupid and ignorant of everything else going on in the world.
This is a horrible place and the more we realize this the more we can see how we need to be that change we want to see in the world.
How much purity, goodness is needed in this world and how many people are suffering, not only materially but most importantly spiritually, as we are not these bodies after all.
You can help feed the poor and help them medically in Africa and around the world but that only helps them on one level. These people are still left starving, starving for love.
There is a famous quote (one of the many) by Mother Teresa,
"We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty. We must start in our own homes to remedy this kind of poverty."
Some people hate to hear it but that's why believing, loving God is so amazing and helpful too people.
Even if you don't believe in God you can't help but see how it helps people, the people who don't abuse it and become judging with it of course.
Whenever you do that, become judgmental and condemning that just destroys spiritual life to the core. Despite that nothing is more deeper and more impactful than a relationship with God, Krishna (another name for God).
Our relationships with others is a reflection of that to a lesser degree but can sometimes be so powerful to bring us out of this illusion.
Sometimes we need to be shaken up, to wake up from this humdrum life many times we all fall into.
We're all going to die, these bodies at least.
And part of the illusion of this world (maya) is that we think we have all the time in the world to change, to become better people and too help others.
But the truth is we don't.
We don't have all the time in the world, we don't know when we're going to die/leave our bodies.
As we grow older, time goes by quicker and disappears like sand in our fingers.
You can ask anyone over 25 and hear similar experiences.
Now is the time to change, NOW is the time to help others and connect if that is our desire.
And if that is not our desire than we should help ourselves so we can than help others.
What else than is the point of this life?
If not to connect with God so you can spread that love and mercy to others than at least on a more disjointed level help other based on some morale base.
If we just live to help ourselves in this life, work at our job, make our money to get us our nice Material pleasures (for us and our family) how is that helpful really?
I've always had this feeling like this, that's why I am so thankful for KC.
Still in Maya (illusion) but at least understanding to some extent how temporary this life is and what is really important in this world.
I hope to someday be an inspiration in some way in this world.
To be used as a vessel to spread this love, this mercy too, though I feel very unqualified to do so.
I hope someday I can be used to help others in this way as living just for myself is empty and meaningless to me. I'm by no means any saint and am as selfish as anyone else in so many ways.
I can only change myself and make myself a more selfless better person and than someday, maybe someday I'll be able to more selflessly serve and love others unconditionally.
I can only pray and hope for that someday.
Anyways, If this was inspiring to someone in some small way than I will be very glad.
Either way I just had to share this in someway. I am bad at keeping up with anything (haha) but this was just to inspiring to me to just ignore or save for later.
When your moved, your moved and best to record or share it before you just fall back into illusion again.
To our old ways of thinking, and being.
So thankful to be in Krishna consciousness, I hope everyone to find their joy in someway like I have in this life. Nothing satisfies me , sedates my hungering, my longing like Kc. Time and time again.
I saw the blue boy by the river Yamuna, and life has never been the same.
My material life is ruined, and for that I'm glad. Just enjoying for myself is so much more tasteless than before. Can never thank Prabhupada enough for bringing to us this gift of love and knowledge.
I only hope I can utilize it properly and distribute this gift in some way possible that will help people , at the least inspire them in some way.
We'll see what plans Krishna has for me.
Or what is more familiar to others , "what life brings me".
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Things We Must Learn to Grow
Really amazing day today, I am so blessed to be here and have these opportunities to meet some amazing, spiritually charged and empowered people here and on my travels.
Just have to shift through some weeds and you'll find the flowers. Just takes time and some effort sometimes. Everyone is on their paths, some are farther ahead, farther back, some not even close to being near a path. Though everyone is going in some direction whether it be up or down.
You can't just stay in one place in this world, and if you do something will always change eventually anyway, essentially your either growing or regressing. I rather keep on the path to growth.
People really make all the difference to me, I could be in the Sarabi desert with nothing but water and stale bread and be happy as long as I have good association around me, I'll be happy.
Association is SO important, for everyone. Just as you are what you eat, you are who you hang out with.
And just by being around and associating around some of these elevated, sweet, and kind people I feel my heart begin to change, the depths of my soul growing.
So it's August and for the whole month of August I'll be staying completely in New Vrindaban w/o traveling because Malati is out of the U.S currently traveling In Europe. So that means we got some fixed services here.
At the temple I clean the lobby every day (sweep, mop, take out trash etc), clean the temple book case (and other parts in the temple, I don't have to be asked to do that I just will...always needs dusting)
and other tasks. I've been given a lot of cleaning tasks which honestly I don't mind at all.
I really do enjoy cleaning , and it's gotten that way moreso since I've been here. The whole Kc way of looking at cleaning is so beautiful. Whenever you clean your cleaning the innards of you soul. That's why it feels so good to have a clean room. It's spiritually uplifting, and by cleaning it's helping others spiritually. That's the way I look at it and really helps the mood of cleaning.
I'll also be doing the 8:30 arti service by singing every night (most nights) I was asked too!
And whenever there's time I will try to help milk the cows and clean them with Jaya Prahbupada in the mornings. Another wonderful Prahbupada disciple. And gardening.
New Vrindaban is full off them! You wouldn't believe how much nectar I've recieved, I really have to keep writing in here about my experiences so that they are shared and also never forgotten.
I also got the wonderful honor of cleaning the Palace of Gold and helping dress some of the Prahbuphada's there (there are three in total!) and I will be taught how. As well as giving Palace tours when they get really busy and ironing Prahbupadas chlothes and whatnot.
Chaitanya (works at the palace) is pretty much imparting whatever knowledge he has to offer. May Krishna bless him greatly, he's helped me survive my stay here so much and inspired me so much in Krishna consciousness already during my short stay here. Even though it's been a short time since we've associated in NV he feels like part of my family already. He said he considered me like a lil sister lol, sweet. I consider him like a big brother, much older than my current brother. We'll be making some raw food dishes (he used too be a raw food chief in Cal) with another devotee and hopefully learn how to make some raw foods and other dishes when I get back! Cooking, must start cooking and preparing meals more.
I have been so blessed to be able to have the honor of serving Mahraji here as well with another devotee (edict you know, have to always have someone else with you when serving or speaking with a swami).
He is one of those rare souls, a pure devotee pretty much on level with Radananath swami.
Such pure devotee's such as these just have this melting effect on your heart.
When I first heard him speak I felt such a strong urge to serve this person, never have had that before with anyone so strongly. Not ever, so it surprised me a bit but brought about a warm happiness as well.
(Advaita can inspire people in this way as well, we are more than fortunate to have his association and presence in San Antonio more than we know or are even aware off.)
And me, still being so new too the movement gets the honor of serving in some way, such an amazing spiritual master. Of course mind you the other person has much more experience so they've been teaching me what I need to learn on the side, about how to take care of the deities, the culture involved w Krishna consciousness and edict etc...there's a lot to learn that I am so unfamiliar with.
Slowly but surely I'm learning, like today for instance I went through a moment of retardedness and was eating an apple in front of Maraij while setting my foot inside his small temple. For people who are unfamiliar w/ Krishna consciousness don't worry about this lol, but for people who do know this is of course something that is a big no, no. Anyways, I was corrected very quickly of this by my other devotee friend and that wont be happening again...aye.
We've been taking care of his beautiful deities! They are definitely foresty, very earthy and so sweet.
The edict here can be overwhelming to me sometimes...I can understand why some people leave when they get deeper into Krishna consciousness....it can be rough sometimes.
But it's so worth it to stick through though! Oh I can't emphasize that enough. I know it seems difficult at first but doesn't anything good and worthwhile in this world take some effort? I mean some are lucky enough to get everything handed to them if their Karma is good enough but for many people they have to work to get what they have or get to where they are at in life especially spiritually, emotionally.
That is always the hardest to grow in, the most difficult to change.
Anyways, that is how the month of August is going. : )
It's been peaceful, some stressful testing times but overall I am really appreciating and enjoying my stay in New Vrindaban.
Tomorrow is Baladav's appearance day! Feast, Kirtan , music, and swan boat and fireworks at the end!
Woot, will update if I can about it tomorrow after it's done.
Hare Krishna , God bless everyone
Just have to shift through some weeds and you'll find the flowers. Just takes time and some effort sometimes. Everyone is on their paths, some are farther ahead, farther back, some not even close to being near a path. Though everyone is going in some direction whether it be up or down.
You can't just stay in one place in this world, and if you do something will always change eventually anyway, essentially your either growing or regressing. I rather keep on the path to growth.
People really make all the difference to me, I could be in the Sarabi desert with nothing but water and stale bread and be happy as long as I have good association around me, I'll be happy.
Association is SO important, for everyone. Just as you are what you eat, you are who you hang out with.
And just by being around and associating around some of these elevated, sweet, and kind people I feel my heart begin to change, the depths of my soul growing.
So it's August and for the whole month of August I'll be staying completely in New Vrindaban w/o traveling because Malati is out of the U.S currently traveling In Europe. So that means we got some fixed services here.
At the temple I clean the lobby every day (sweep, mop, take out trash etc), clean the temple book case (and other parts in the temple, I don't have to be asked to do that I just will...always needs dusting)
and other tasks. I've been given a lot of cleaning tasks which honestly I don't mind at all.
I really do enjoy cleaning , and it's gotten that way moreso since I've been here. The whole Kc way of looking at cleaning is so beautiful. Whenever you clean your cleaning the innards of you soul. That's why it feels so good to have a clean room. It's spiritually uplifting, and by cleaning it's helping others spiritually. That's the way I look at it and really helps the mood of cleaning.
I'll also be doing the 8:30 arti service by singing every night (most nights) I was asked too!
And whenever there's time I will try to help milk the cows and clean them with Jaya Prahbupada in the mornings. Another wonderful Prahbupada disciple. And gardening.
New Vrindaban is full off them! You wouldn't believe how much nectar I've recieved, I really have to keep writing in here about my experiences so that they are shared and also never forgotten.
I also got the wonderful honor of cleaning the Palace of Gold and helping dress some of the Prahbuphada's there (there are three in total!) and I will be taught how. As well as giving Palace tours when they get really busy and ironing Prahbupadas chlothes and whatnot.
Chaitanya (works at the palace) is pretty much imparting whatever knowledge he has to offer. May Krishna bless him greatly, he's helped me survive my stay here so much and inspired me so much in Krishna consciousness already during my short stay here. Even though it's been a short time since we've associated in NV he feels like part of my family already. He said he considered me like a lil sister lol, sweet. I consider him like a big brother, much older than my current brother. We'll be making some raw food dishes (he used too be a raw food chief in Cal) with another devotee and hopefully learn how to make some raw foods and other dishes when I get back! Cooking, must start cooking and preparing meals more.
I have been so blessed to be able to have the honor of serving Mahraji here as well with another devotee (edict you know, have to always have someone else with you when serving or speaking with a swami).
He is one of those rare souls, a pure devotee pretty much on level with Radananath swami.
Such pure devotee's such as these just have this melting effect on your heart.
When I first heard him speak I felt such a strong urge to serve this person, never have had that before with anyone so strongly. Not ever, so it surprised me a bit but brought about a warm happiness as well.
(Advaita can inspire people in this way as well, we are more than fortunate to have his association and presence in San Antonio more than we know or are even aware off.)
And me, still being so new too the movement gets the honor of serving in some way, such an amazing spiritual master. Of course mind you the other person has much more experience so they've been teaching me what I need to learn on the side, about how to take care of the deities, the culture involved w Krishna consciousness and edict etc...there's a lot to learn that I am so unfamiliar with.
Slowly but surely I'm learning, like today for instance I went through a moment of retardedness and was eating an apple in front of Maraij while setting my foot inside his small temple. For people who are unfamiliar w/ Krishna consciousness don't worry about this lol, but for people who do know this is of course something that is a big no, no. Anyways, I was corrected very quickly of this by my other devotee friend and that wont be happening again...aye.
We've been taking care of his beautiful deities! They are definitely foresty, very earthy and so sweet.
The edict here can be overwhelming to me sometimes...I can understand why some people leave when they get deeper into Krishna consciousness....it can be rough sometimes.
But it's so worth it to stick through though! Oh I can't emphasize that enough. I know it seems difficult at first but doesn't anything good and worthwhile in this world take some effort? I mean some are lucky enough to get everything handed to them if their Karma is good enough but for many people they have to work to get what they have or get to where they are at in life especially spiritually, emotionally.
That is always the hardest to grow in, the most difficult to change.
Anyways, that is how the month of August is going. : )
It's been peaceful, some stressful testing times but overall I am really appreciating and enjoying my stay in New Vrindaban.
Tomorrow is Baladav's appearance day! Feast, Kirtan , music, and swan boat and fireworks at the end!
Woot, will update if I can about it tomorrow after it's done.
Hare Krishna , God bless everyone
Friday, August 5, 2011
No more procrastinating
So no more procrastinating, especially after today.
I've been putting of writing in my blog lately at least, because well I've been lazy lol.
At least the past 3 days I've had no excuse.
So many things have happened here since I last wrote, "Typed out" which ever you would like to call it.
Good things, testing things. I have at least three blogs I didn't even post yet because I didn't finish them, but I will. I just had to post about the inspirations and findings I've had today.
If I wait It'll just fade away like other memories we have, (though not always) they are at least not as strong. That's why documenting them is so very important. It helps us too see where we used to be till now.
Plus our realizations may help and or inspire others as well just as we were inspired.
So, first off as lovely as New Vrindaban Dham is my time here hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies (though there are some beautiful butterflies here). No, I have had my challenges here with other people, with the forces of nature, and especially with my own mind.
So yea, hasn't been easy but I can definitely say I have had A LOT of growth from being here such a short time. Only two months and I feel like a very different person than I was before I came.
New Vrindaban Dham is very purifying to say the least.
One of the reasons I am up out of Bed is because....BED BUGS.
That's right, the ashram rooms are full of Bed bugs.
And I have been getting bit the past month. Ok, lol Just saw a Raccoon poke it's head out the window here on the second floor...
Ok so, only realized what the bites were when someone pointed out to me two weeks ago that they were bed bug bites. Than I found one, and caught the demon as proof. So now there will be some serious spraying. Anyways, also realized some other things today. For one how important it is for me to take chanting serious. To REALLY take it much more seriously. It's not that I didn't necessarily before but I just so easily put everything else before it. Or at least a lot of things.
I'm really determined to put Chanting first, I am so tired right now...
I really have to go sleep.
I'll update more tomorrow...going to go sleep outside near the lake because I just can't take the biting anymore....throwing out that bed frame tomorrow. Just taking my pillow out there because I don't even have a tent or whatever. It's ok, I'll set my alarm for Mongalarti at 4:00 am...3 hours of sleep should be ok for right now.
Peace~ Hare Krishna Hare Rama
I've been putting of writing in my blog lately at least, because well I've been lazy lol.
At least the past 3 days I've had no excuse.
So many things have happened here since I last wrote, "Typed out" which ever you would like to call it.
Good things, testing things. I have at least three blogs I didn't even post yet because I didn't finish them, but I will. I just had to post about the inspirations and findings I've had today.
If I wait It'll just fade away like other memories we have, (though not always) they are at least not as strong. That's why documenting them is so very important. It helps us too see where we used to be till now.
Plus our realizations may help and or inspire others as well just as we were inspired.
So, first off as lovely as New Vrindaban Dham is my time here hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies (though there are some beautiful butterflies here). No, I have had my challenges here with other people, with the forces of nature, and especially with my own mind.
So yea, hasn't been easy but I can definitely say I have had A LOT of growth from being here such a short time. Only two months and I feel like a very different person than I was before I came.
New Vrindaban Dham is very purifying to say the least.
One of the reasons I am up out of Bed is because....BED BUGS.
That's right, the ashram rooms are full of Bed bugs.
And I have been getting bit the past month. Ok, lol Just saw a Raccoon poke it's head out the window here on the second floor...
Ok so, only realized what the bites were when someone pointed out to me two weeks ago that they were bed bug bites. Than I found one, and caught the demon as proof. So now there will be some serious spraying. Anyways, also realized some other things today. For one how important it is for me to take chanting serious. To REALLY take it much more seriously. It's not that I didn't necessarily before but I just so easily put everything else before it. Or at least a lot of things.
I'm really determined to put Chanting first, I am so tired right now...
I really have to go sleep.
I'll update more tomorrow...going to go sleep outside near the lake because I just can't take the biting anymore....throwing out that bed frame tomorrow. Just taking my pillow out there because I don't even have a tent or whatever. It's ok, I'll set my alarm for Mongalarti at 4:00 am...3 hours of sleep should be ok for right now.
Peace~ Hare Krishna Hare Rama
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