Lost in an Ocean of Maya

I know either no one reads these blogs or one at the most two people do but honestly that's fine.
This is just something I have to do for my own sanity as well as I just like sharing, even if it's to the wall.

So... I'm here in San Antonio. And I can't help feel I'm drowning in this ocean of Maya or illusion.
So many material things I want, that I crave, some obvious, some not.
And it's harder than ever to keep my Sadhana (spiritual practice) up, even though I have been so blessed to be able to have this much time (and even though I have not completely wasted it) I have not used it to the best I could have or have been.

I feel longing, I feel longing.
For Krishna, for that wonderful feeling off connection with him.
I can't help but remember when we were all painting as a group this past thursday and some people asked Advaita what he interpreted from their paintings, or what feeling they gave.
I asked him as well, he looked observing my painting, which is a night scene with a transcendental fish looking up at the sky. After a few minutes he said, "Lonely",  I was a bit surprised.

"You're painting has a lonely feel"

I really looked at it again and it's true, it does have a lonely feel. In fact a lot of my art has a lonely streak running through most of it as in the past others have commented on it as well, though not as much now.

Lonely.

Ever since I've been gone the past six months (actually even before when I first came to the temple), a lot of that loneliness has been filled by Krishna.
Though it creeps, and comes back again sometimes.
Despite this...there is nothing that pleases me more than Krishna consciousness.
There is nothing I've found that makes me smile, laugh and bring me as much joy as Krishna has.
There is nothing I have found that fills every nook and crack of emptiness and voidness in my heart.

It almost feels like I didn't even choose this path sometimes, more like It chose me.
Like Krishna pulled me in, and now I can never go back.
I saw that beautiful blue boy by the Yamuna river, and my heart was stolen.
Now nothing has taste like it used too.
And for that I am GLAD.

Despite all these wonderful experiences I have had, despite Jagannatha ANSWERING my sincere prayer to give me a safe space to come back too, I am still falling back to old habits.
Sleeping late, barely chanting, wasting time on mundane things, being attached to my material objects Extremely so.

Though I am still in this same house, Jagannatha came back here with me, he came to me in the form of my own deities to take care of. Which I have been wanting to have for so long.
 If that isn't an answer to my prayer too Jagannatha I don't know what is.
And their beautiful, their so beautiful and I love them so much.
Jagannatha came to me to help save me from this material pool of suffering, I feel fortunate.
I just wish I was more regulated too take care of them properly.
I am going to try my best to become moreso, so that they stay with me.

My mother is even favorable to KC, she even told me she wanted to learn more haha, I don't like to pressure anyone about KC. If their looking for something more in life, wanting more, or questioning than if they ask I will present. If not than I will just leave it be.
But my mother did the questioning so than I and others present, she even stopped eating beef and other meats. Which is quite amazing, for someone at my mothers age to make that change.

Lonely though, there's still a loneliness.
The more I speak off Krishna, the more I write about him the more filled I become and satisfied.
Though sometimes I still find myself wishing I had a significant other.

Listen, the truth is if Krishna appeared to me in some form or another and said, "Kimberly I want you to be single. I think if you are single you can better help the world and others around you"
Or my spiritual master told me that than honestly I feel I would do it.
I am that attached to Krishna. I can say I am at least that attached to Krishna.

IF that were so though I would completely just join a temple and live as a monk completely haha
Because there's no way I'd remain that way living on my own on the side etc.....

But the truth is I don't feel that I will be single the rest of my life, but If I never meet the right person for me than I WILL.
That I am determined in, I refuse to lower my standards just because I feel "lonely" sometimes or see others with partners etc.

That's why I haven't had an official boyfriend in....over 6 years! haha

Though I was stupid and dated a bunch of weirdos during some of that time.
That's where I learned that most (not all of course) guys are dogs who are a slave to their senses (though we all are in some form). And most are just looking for a "good time".

I mean what's the point in having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" if you can't ever see yourself marrying them or if you are not sure?? Even before I was KC I never understood that or saw the point really.
If you're not sure at the LEASt if there isn't a really good chance then your just wasting each other's time and enjoying each other for the time being. Which in the end, when it doesn't work out (which is most times I've seen) than you both just end up hurting each other and being depressed about if for however many months etc.

So I just have decided to spare myself all the b.c that I already know too well about, having experienced enough of it in this life and lives before.
If your significant other doesn't help you spiritually, if you both don't help each other progress spiritually in each others lives , centered around the most important thing God, a,k.a Krishna, than it's just complete sense enjoyment. Completely material , you please her, she pleases you.
And that's why there are so many divorces because so much of the time their union is based on and around material factors. She's "pretty", he's "cute", she makes me feel good, he makes me feel good.
How long can that really least, I mean really???
The passion get's old real quick.

So until Krishna presents (if he does) the right person to me, someone who loves Krishna as much as I do and has as much passion if not more (more would be great because I'm so conditioned) to serve Krishna than I will be single and damn happy to not be entangled in some meaningless relationship.

So in the deeper sense reaching Krishna prema while in a relationship is extremely hard and what "some people" would consider near impossible.
I know this, but unfortunately I am in this female body so it is even more difficult to be single female by herself in this material world. Prabhupada even encouraged women to get married.
While he also encouraged men to be bramachari's which I always found quite quirky but whatever lol.

A quote from the SB that a devotee miraculously posted the same day I wrote this...

"The material bodily conception is so polluted that even upon slight provocation all our relationships of love and affection are nullified. Bodily relationships are so transient that even though one is affectionate towards someone in a bodily relationship, a slight provocation terminates this intimacy."
(SB 4.4.8)"


UGH get me out of here!!!
This place sucks and my body is sick.
Anyways, that is all I have to say. I think I'm going to have a separate devotee page for my devotee friends. I hate to separate like that but I just feel like I may be alienating others by posting so much devotional things and posts and want to be able to express myself fully w/o feeling like I have to hold back.
Below is a beautiful quote from Sachinandana Swami's cd, Sacred Longing live.
This is definitely one of my favorite cd's right now and a quote from Radhanattha Swami who always inspires me.
Good will to men, God bless, Shalom,
Hare Krishna!

"When a man comes home, sometimes he is dressed in a three piece suit; sometimes he comes in a swimming suit; sometimes he comes in his pajamas. Now, his dog will recognize his master in whatever dress he wears. Isn’t that true?

So if our master is God, whether He appears as Krishna, Allah, Rama, or Christ, we will recognize Him in all these different appearances."

-Radhanattha Swami (reference from one of Prabhupada's lectures)

"My heart constantly burns in the fire of worldly desires, just like a desert scorched by the rays of the sun.   The holy name entering the corners of my heart, the holes of my ears, showers an unparalleled nectar upon my soul. The holy name speaks from within my heart, moves unto the tip of my tongue and constantly dances on it in the form of transcendental sound. My throat is choked up , my body shivers again and again, and my feet cannot stay still."

-Sachinandana Swami on Sacred Longing